Thoughts on Dating
Recently, I have been buying a house. Houses are funny — you can put money down on a property without the guarantee that you’ll actually be able to live in it. You can get expensive surveys done, or you can get a solicitor to work with you before the seller has even agreed to sell the property. This concept is strange to me. Why would I pay money for something that I have no guarantee of living in?
I would essentially be spending money to learn useless facts about a random property until it becomes mine. It made me think that I am so afraid of commitment, that I am unwilling to put money down on a house I want.
That then got me thinking about how we handle relationships in the 21st century. I have been dating for a while. I have had moderate success, but nothing that has lasted longer than a year. Speaking to people who are also dating has made me realise that my approach to risk mitigation on a house is the one that many (myself included) these days apply to romantic relationships. Since partners are perceived as easy to come by on tinder, hinge, or other platforms, we tend to talk to a lot of people at once. This provides us with two tangible benefits:
- we are less likely to be hurt, when the emotion is spread across so many people. Yes, someone stopped speaking to me, but I have 4 other people to work with. There are plenty more fish in the sea, right?
- It increases our likelihood of landing in some sort of relationship, whether that relationship ends up successful or not.
Practically though, what I have found is that this doesn’t work. You may end up in a relationship, but is it one based on real connection? Often not. Romance and love itself is a game of finite resources, not the false economy the apps present. It is the belief that this person is unlike anyone you have met before. You have to think that, to love someone. In fact, if someone seems the same as everyone else, or there seems to be a huge amount of potential partners, it is incredibly hard to fall in love and settle on one person. Love is the belief that one person in particular is special, but how could they be when you perceive near unlimited choice via online platforms? This false economy (and it is a false economy, you have less real choice than you believe) leaves many in a limbo which lasts years.
When I think of when I have been in love, it has been very different than the ‘numbers game’ we play online. I remember being at university and crossing eyes with a girl, and thinking, “wow, I wonder how I can talk to her”. The whole process of going from seeing someone far away, to talking to them, and then more, is the process of falling in love. The reason why a lot of people say “the apps don’t work” is because the apps are a risk mitigation strategy, and everyone is disposable.
Love comes from the slow process of getting to know someone — from the little things that make a connection. I have been with girls who I genuinely did love, and who after finding out that their politics did not align with mine, I continued to love. This may be hard to believe, if you read the bios of many on apps who tell you not to talk to them if your politics do not line up. When you have 10 other guys or girls in the chat waiting, any slip up by them can become a social media capital offence — block, delete, unfollow.
In fact, the advice for would be romantics these days is to not get too attached. Don’t create your life around someone. Make sure you keep your door open. For me, this advice is deeply flawed and does not understand what love is at all.
Lately I have been trying to find the right people, and not play the numbers game. I put more time into individuals, and it has led to two things — me getting hurt more, but me feeling more for them.
The sacrifice is worth it.
